And here I am, three months later.

Don't worry, it hasn't been anything too horrible. But when my depression and stress claw at my life, gaming in general is the first thing to give and this blog in particular suffers as my creative juices slow to a crawl and what inspiration does come gets constantly second-guessed. It's no way to live, but we all keep trying like fools. Now that all three core books for 5e are out, and hopefully, I'll be getting for Christmas, maybe I'll get the chance to flex my gaming muscle a little more... But by saying that I've probably jinxed it.

I have been gaming a little, in a Forgotten Realms campaign over at the BFRPG forums. I may have mentioned that earlier this year. But it's been a big help to me. It's given me a little bit of creative outlet, and my pair of halflings in that game has been a much-needed opportunity to spread my wings a little bit.

That's the paradox of depression, isn't it? It sucks all the joy out of doing things, but then if you actually knuckle down and do them it turns out to not be so bad after all. This blog is probably the same way. If I got back in the swing of things I bet it'd come as naturally as anything.

Poem: Suzuki Beane Method

(Like we all know about dogs)

(With their crazy four legs)

But what about the dogmen

Hotdogging us before they stick it in

(And with that wild ta)le

Dogma spread across the lawn

Their doggerel

Blossoming like dogwoods in spring

(And we pet them and things)

As the dogs of war

Chew the doughboys like biscuits

(But who cares about four legs)

Three branches two houses eight corporations

(And a ta)le

Told by a barker posing as an idiot

Signifying everything

(When all they really do is) shit.

Author's notes: This was meant to be in more of a "slam poetry" style than some of my usual output. It's also decidedly a protest piece, though like most of my work it's meant to convey an emotional impression more than anything in particular. It should be read aloud at a fairly fast, aggressive clip.

People with absurdly huge reference pools will recognize the lines in parentheses as belonging to a somewhat obscure book written by one Sandra Scoppettone called Suzuki Beane, about a six-year-old beatnik. The title is an homage to that and to the Gorillaz song "Left Hand Suzuki Method."

Schedule slip is a bitch

I guess this depression is going to be one of those long frustrating ones for me... For a month now I start feeling better and then crash again. I haven't been in any shape to do anything creative in that time. Apart from which I feel like... I dunno, I don't have much to say about gaming lately, and particularly OSR stuff. I still like it, mind you, but I am still pretty excited for D&D 5th Edition, and expect to drift over to that in the coming months as the finished game rolls out. I think my interest will perk up a lot when that gets out the door.

Just to give you all some actual gaming talk, though I expect you've heard already, the initial 5e product line has been introduced. I'm annoyed that character generation isn't in the box set, but having it in a free PDF (and possibly more according to the RPG Pundit) makes up for that. I mostly like the cover art for everything so far as well. What are the opinions of my tiny handful of readers?

Another poem

Been a while since I had a new poem, hasn't it? But I wrote another one tonight, inspired by a bit of a favorite daydream of mine lately. I hope you'll all enjoy it.

Cuddle

There is
A tin roof
Over
My front porch,
Someday,
I would like
To lay
In your arms,
Listen
To the rain
After lunch:
Sandwich,
A Grilled cheese
Or a
B.L.T.
Iced tea
Lemonade
Mixed like
Warm blankets
Rain sounds
and
Us.

In which I shamelessly panhandle

It's been a slow month for me, as you can tell. I've been a bit depressed, and I've had some money troubles. I hate to ask for help, because, rationally or not, it makes me feel like a moocher, but the time has come that I need to. I've set up an account on GoFundMe, in which I have explained my situation more thoroughly. For those of you who feel like helping out, you can find it here. Mention you came from my blog and I'll write a post dedicated to a prompt of your choice (within reason). So far it's been off to a productive start-- I set it up this afternoon and I already have over 2% of my (very long term) goal, enough to help me get over one of the medical bills that prompted me to set this up in the first place.

In which a pattern emerges

When I was a small child, my favorite game was Natural History Museum. I'd get out all my dinosaurs (and I had hundreds, mind you-- everything from those Carnegie Collection models they sell at museums to Jurassic Park action figures to 50-years-out-of-date neon plastic 1" tall ones from the plastic army men and cowboys section of the hobby store) and just... arrange them. By taxonomy, by the period when they lived, by features I wanted to highlight, any old way. I'd make display cards or signs or draw murals. And then when it was all sorted, I'd get my mother or father or sister to walk through like I was giving them a tour of a museum I curated, and just having all my toys in the right order and my knowledge and ideas on display was the bulk of the fun.

Sometimes I think that's just what I'm doing now, but with fantasy instead of dinosaurs.

(I'm sorry if this seems masturbatory to you or whatever, I'm just reflecting on my general approach as I have frequently been for some time now. Perhaps I felt the need to write about this to gain the insight of others, but I think it was mainly just so that those of you out there who read my thoughts better understand where it's all coming from.)

Gamer burnout

Okay, so two more weeks is a little longer than I figured I'd be out of it for. You know, sometimes you need a month to get it together. I'm still not quite back in the swing of it yet, and I might not really be in a D&D mood for a while, but I'm going to commit to being more active in some capacity in March, whether that be other games or fantasy or just more of my crappy poems.

Just by way of an update

I think every now and then we all need a little break, even from things we love. That's where I've been the last 2 weeks, just haven't much felt like D&D. Still not quite ready to come back, but thanks to a friend I have Starships and Spacemen 2e now-- so at some point soon I might review that, maybe focus on it for a little while, you know?

New look, and a BFRPG house rule document

Yeah, so I got a bunch of complaints about my old color scheme, and that was kind of upsetting me, so in a display of atypical levels of cowardice, I'm bowing to peer pressure and going monochrome.

Actually, I'm doing this because the complaints inspired me to at least give it a look and I found that I like it in monochromatic. I think it's gone from Victorian-antique pretty to gothic-lolita-outfit pretty. But either way, they can only have the pretty when they pry it from my cold dead hands.

Also, I made a house rule document for Basic Fantasy RPG, which for all my flirting with ACKS and FH&W recently, is still a damned solid game, and which I'm thinking I may use if I want to get a game moving in time for the 40th anniversary of D&D's publication (which, if Playing At The World is to be believed, is sometime in the last week of January!) Check it out here and criticize my pathetic leniency at your earliest convenience!

Back on the horse

Okay, so a few days ended up being more like... a month. So sue me, it's been kind of a difficult fall for me. What else is new?

I've been rolling around the idea of a Wizard Without Spells in the vein of Talysman's Cleric Without Spells for a while now, but the going is a little slow. For some reason spells as specific, repeatable programs with a single function is one of those D&Disms that does get tiresome for me now and then. I dunno, I'd like to try out something a little different when it comes to magic.If anyone still reads this and has suggestions for products or blog posts or whatever I should look at, let me know.

Strange Magic

(No relation to the otherwise excellent blog of similar name.)

I wrote a new poem. It probably sounds a lot more profound than it actually is, being mostly an exercise in picking a rhythm that was pleasing to my mouth, though it was brought on by the mental image of someone watching a Fritz Lang movie on their iPad, which got me to thinking a little.

As usual I make no promises of quality.

We live in an age
Of strange magic
New madness--
Monochrome Metropolis silent
On a screen in my hand, while--
Screaming Metropolis vibrant
On the street outside the window

And also a world
Of strange madness
Old magic--
The mountain calls Moses, Muhammad
With the voices it spake,

"There is nothing new under the sun
Sure as today birthed yesterday
We all live in interesting times."

Bloody formatting

For some reason, about half the time my header font seems to be what I set it as, and half the time it seems to just be Comic Sans. I'm not happy about this. Is it happening for other visitors to this page?

For Daddy, 2013

I've never felt good enough
To be worthy of your approval
But not because I wasn't,
(At least I hope,) only because
You are so great
That it seemed like a lot
To live up to the example you set
Being my dad.

My successes now are few
And far between
But I know I can make it
Because I have your support
From the sidelines
Unwavering
And I always will
Even when I no longer need it
When I have blossomed,
The pride of your garden.

Off topic: In which I write a poem

OUTSIDE
The one thing I miss about
Being in school
(It just might be the only)
Was how
On Friday afternoons
In April and May,
I'd look out the window
Or be
Dismissed for the weekend,
And how the world
Seemed full of promise
Outside.